{The Future...}

I know I am a craft/home decor blogger, and I'm totally okay with that.  I love it actually.  But sometimes I feel the need to write something about life.  Something about my life.  

For several years, my focus in life has been trying to have a baby.  (You can read more about my journey {HERE}.)  I have wanted to be a mother since I was a child.  If you've followed my blog for a while, you know that my husband and I have done pretty much everything medically possible to make that happen.  For about four years, my life has revolved around visits to the doctor, shots, pills, and procedures.  (Of course, that's not counting the years we tried to get pregnant before going to the doctor.)  And, though I couldn't admit it at the time, that's what my life became.  Sure, I worked and crafted and socialized, but I'm beginning to think that I wasn't truly LIVING.   After my multiple failed fertility treatments, I have finally accepted the fact that I will probably never have biological children.  I can't say that realization hasn't been heartbreaking and very emotional, but I've accepted it.   And now that my mind has cleared from my four year fog of baby tunnel vision, hormones, and other medications, I am okay with that.  I do want to be a mom to a child one day, but you know what I've realized?  I'm okay if that doesn't happen this year, the next, or even the next. I have realized that I LOVE my life the way it is now. I love that I have time to craft.  I love that I have so many hobbies that I enjoy.  I love that my husband and I can go on dates whenever we want.   I'm not saying that I wouldn't gladly give all that up for a baby.  I'm just saying that I am accepting the hand I've been dealt in life, and I am going to be thankful for and enjoy my blessings. And, yes, when the time comes, I will again begin my quest for a child.  My husband and I will find a child who needs a forever home--our home.  But I'm enjoying not being on an emotional roller coaster every month.  I'm enjoying dreaming about my future as an individual and a wife.  I am learning so much about myself as a person.  With all the medical procedures and constantly having my hopes crushed, I was way too stressed and uptight than I needed to be.  I am learning to relax.  I have realized that if I am stressed about something, that's all I can see at the moment.  I have realized that I need to stop and tell myself that I can't just focus on that one stressful thing--I need to focus on the bigger picture.  I have realized that it's okay to try something different even if I fail.  I'm a perfectionist, and I hate not being extremely good at something. But I think it's safe to say that there are not too many people who have immediately been extremely good at something the first time they tried it. You see, God gives us several beautiful gifts through our struggles.  First of all, He reminds us that we are not HOME.  We are simply here on this messy, heartbreakingly wonderful earth for a very small time.  When we get HOME, everything will be perfect, and our struggles make our hearts long for that.  Also, He teaches us that we can endure more than we ever thought possible and become stronger from it with His help and the help of others He has placed in our lives.  And last but not least, He gives us the amazing ability to use our struggles to reach out to others and encourage them.   I hope my writing about my story does bring a little hope to someone or at least makes someone feel that she's not alone. And the wonderful fact about my story?  This is not the end of it.  It's just the middle, and I can't wait to see how the rest unfolds!

{A Bit of My Heart and a Free Printable}

     I've shared my infertility story with y'all before.  Sadly, it's a continuing issue.  I tried IVF for the last time in June.  I used up all my embryos, and it didn't work.  Again.  I've been struggling with facing the facts: unless a miracle happens, I will never be able to give birth to a child.  I never thought it would come to this, but it has.  I'm sad about it.  At times, I'm angry.  Sometimes I feel lost and lonely.  But you know what?  Just because I can't biologically have a child, it doesn't mean that I can never be a mom.  I still believe, even at my lowest moments, that God has a plan for me, and I do think that part of that plan is for me to be a mom to someone.
     I don't want to sound like I don't still have bad days.  There are moments when I see a pregnant lady or a mom and her newborn on TV that I feel like someone knocked the breath out of me because I am reminded for the one-hundreth time that I will probably never have that.  And sometimes I want to scream when I find out that one more person is pregnant.  (I'm waiting for Betty White to announce that she's pregnant...)  But I'm getting used to my new reality, and it's getting easier and easier for me to have a positive outlook as the days go by.  Sunday morning, my pastor used Deuteronomy 7:9 in his sermon.

     This verse spoke to me.  God is God, and because I have a personal relationship with Him and try to keep His commandments, I have a covenant with Him.  And that covenant is a covenant of love.  I've wanted to be angry with Him, but when I think about how much my husband and parents love me and that God loves me even more than that, I can't be mad with Him.  His plan is always way better than any plans I can come up with.  I've seen that time and time again.  Verses like this remind me of that.  And on days I seem to have forgotten, what better way to remember than with a printable, right?  

     I LOVE free printables!  I get so excited when I see them on other people's blogs.  I've shared two free printables I created with y'all before.  Today, I want to share the above printable with y'all.  You may not be going through the same struggles than I am, but everyone has her own struggles to deal with.  Struggles are a part of life, and they're the specific reason why this place we inhabit is called earth and not heaven.  It never hurts to have a reminder of God's love and the covenant He has with His children. 

     Feel free to download the image for your own personal use--you may not claim the image as your own, re-sell, or redistribute it.  Click on the arrow with the line under it, and the file will download to your computer.  And before you print, you may want to do a print preview to make sure the whole image fits in whatever size you choose to print it.  (If you have trouble with a certain size, I know that Walmart gives you the option to add a white border around the image if you're printing there.  I'm sure there's a way to do that on your home printer too.  This can be helpful, especially if you plan on framing the image.)  I hope you enjoy it!  :)

{Infertility}

  I know I don't normally write personal posts.  I craft and blog about it because it takes me to my happy place.  But I have to believe that we go through things so that we can help others or at least let them know they are not alone.  This will be a long post, and I don't blame you for not reading it all.  But I have to share this.  So, here goes...

INFERTILITY

I hate that word.  I hate typing it, I hate thinking it, I hate saying it, and I hate that I feel like part of my identity is wrapped up in it.

{Source}

I have had my whole life planned out since I was in high school.  I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, who I was going to marry, how long we would be married before we had children, and how many children I wanted.  I married that man right before I turned 21.  (I know that's young, but I KNEW he was the man God had for me!)  I planned on being married for two years before we started having babies.  When the two years rolled around, we started trying.  I had nurseries, new family traditions, and cute family photos on the brain.

I don't remember how long we actually tried before I finally went to the doctor, but I eventually went, and he told me just to do those home ovulation kits.  I was young (only 23), and those would help us.  I tried that...for months.  The next step was to get my husband checked.  After we realized the ovulation checker wasn't helping us, he got checked.  He was pretty much fine, so, of course, I had to be the problem.

I finally made myself face the fact that something was wrong with me, and I "womaned up" and went to the doctor again.  He wanted to do a series of ultrasounds throughout the month to see what my ovaries and follicles looked like and if I was ovulating, etc.  I did these for a while.  He noticed that I had some cysts, and he told me that he was almost positive I had endometriosis, but he would have to do surgery to know for sure.  I remember being in shock when he told me that.  How could I have endometriosis?  Would I ever be able to have children?